Blog,
I am writing to tell you about falling asleep last night:
I fell asleep with a candle burning. I finished a page in my book and turned over. The power was out and I set up my laptop in bed for light--the candle was too faint.
I woke up during the night. Blew out the candle. Drank all of the water beside my bed. And thought I was going to throw up, as if to check my existence. I was so worried, blog. I looked at myself in the mirror until I was convinced I would fall asleep immediately, if I lied back down.
Perhaps I should have made some tea or toast with peanut butter, to comfort myself.
My body aches.
My body does not want to be moved from where it rests. It is an old animal laying in the sun.
Animal, what will you do when sun changes positions?
I ask because there is a new moon coming.
Whether or not the sun shifts locations,
cosmology does.
Blog, I have been trying to become celestial for a while.
My body wants to leave and it also wants to stay.
Blog, I do not want to say that things end,
because I carry them with me in my body.
Yes. These aches.
Blog, I will always love mornings at Hanes, as we called it.
I will always love making pots of coffee in Tom's room
and people passing through
on their way into the day,
and people waking up
from a night of dinner and wine
and even myself waking up in Grant or Tom's bed.
Yes, blog, I love everyone I have ever made myself vulnerable to.
Blog, I love you.
I love you how I even love bad dreams.
I love you more than a secret.
I love you like telling a secret.
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